Thursday, March 24, 2011

Diminishing Orgasms, and Other sensitive Aspects of your Sex life….

Sex. You want more of it–in theory, right?  .. ..

I know it’s a touchy subject, but seriously, think about it; after being at work for 10 hours, to after-work Yoga, to picking up the kids from Daycare, to the grocery store, and home, you’re sometimes too tired to even think about sex, much less actually do the deed.  If you’re like me though, you probably enjoy it immensely, but when you’re just about ready to fall asleep, and someone starts kissing you neck, it’s hard not to pretend not to be asleep!   Which in essence is a terrible thing do, as why would you forgo the possibility of one amazing Orgasm?  *Sighs*.. Funny enough, it’s either you’re too exhausted, or he passes out even 
before you start to peel back the covers.

Am I the only one who seems to experience this scenario?  I get the feeling its common, especially with couples with kids; is there no cure?!  According to two amazing authors of a new book, it’s not necessarily an issue of sex drive. You can use simple economic principles to put a little jump kick into your sex life.

The Law of Diminishing Orgasms
As couples get busier and take on more responsibility at work and home, the “cost” of sex increases, which means the amount of sex decreases, something Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, coauthors of Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes, call it, “The Law of Diminishing Orgasms”.

Szuchman and Anderson surveyed over a thousand people in committed relationships and found that more than half wished they were having more sex. In addition, more sex is a good thing – sex is good for your physical and emotional health, and there is a major correlation between a healthy sex life and a strong relationship.

Their solutions?

Lower The “Cost” Of Sex
The more something costs in terms of time and energy expenditure, the less likely we want to do it. If your time and energy are scarce, sex can be seen as a trade off (or opportunity cost) for running errands, getting work done, or sleep. 

Lower the “cost” of sex by sacrificing quality for quantity. Instead of requiring every sexual encounter to involve candlelit dinners and massage oils, consider quickies in the morning, squeezing in one-offs during kids’ naptimes, etc. Try to create more time in your life so that sex does not have to be a trade off for other critical activities like sleeping and eating–but better yet, make sex one of those critical activities. Make sure you do it, often.

“There’s definitely something to said for quality,” admits Szuchman. “But what we’re addressing is a quantity issue. Our theory is it’s better to have a lot of quick sex than infrequent amazing sex.”

Create a Transparent Market
Another strategy is to create a transparent market, that is, one where your partner knows when you’re in the mood instead of making him or her guess. To borrow another economics term, “signaling” with a mutually understood gesture or ritual can alert your partner when you’re ready to go and avoid coordination failures.
For example, to use a couple profiled in the book, Seth had a huge libido and Monica a much more modest one. He was always initiating, she always declining–he felt rejected and frustrated, she felt guilty and anxious. While there is certainly a mismatched libido issue here, there is also coordination failure (or not “syncing up” about when to have sex). This can be costly because the initiation and rejection cycle can be emotionally draining and upsetting for both, and that makes the “cost” of sex higher.

“Signaling is a really basic economic concept,” says Szuchman. “One couple we spoke with schedules sex in their BlackBerry. Or it could be the simple signal that she’s naked when she gets into bed.” Other examples of signals can be pouring a glass of wine before bedtime, or a foot rub.

Resource Allocation
“The whole theme of Spousonomics is resource allocation,” concludes Szuchman. “A lot of the problem in marriage is resource allocation. Time and energy are already limited. The last thing you want to do is use those limited resources to argue about sex instead of having sex. Anything you can to make it more affordable is going to up the frequency.”

Now that you’ve read through the above, take my advice.. not all of this may apply to your marriage, or relationship, but it makes a heck of a lot of sense.. so why not give it a try?  If you’re like me and suffering from “not-enough-sex” (NES), then use what little insights are available, and apply them NOW!  What better 20 mins spent then to steal your Hubby from the TV in the evenings, or to sneak in that much needed quickie on a Lunch break?!  I’ve done it, so should you!


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